A wave of less than favorable incidents have flowed in through my weekend and I struggled with not feeling supported. At first I thought, Why isn’t anyone here to pick me up? Why isn’t anyone petting me and telling me I’m a good girl.. wait. Lol Had to remind myself I’m a whole and grown human being fully capable of taking care of myself. Yes it’s totally ok to seek comfort when you need it, but you can also kick ass, take names all on your own first. In all actuality the last few weeks I’ve had this craving for attention and I’m not entirely sure why it hasn’t gone away. So despite the series of unfortunate events I rolled back through my email, my most consistent form of communication, and had a look at things. I am an electronic hoarder, from Pinterest to email.. I keep everything I find interesting. So what started out as a mood ring for my current dilemma ended up being a long look into history of dreams and mood from the last two years around this time. What i found was – I was feeling this way( almost exactly this way), last year and more miserable the year before that. Whattttt? I read everything! There was lots of crazy all in one happy time frame. Lots going wrong but what i did to right myself is really the point of this blog (see, there is one)
- I was burning things. Not spliffs, but meeting notes that really tested my patience and made me angry, letters oh lots of letters and bills and warning notices and printed emails and things that gave me anxiety. Sometimes it was just copies, because i needed to be a responsible adult, but I burned them nonetheless! and the release was fantastic. Like the weight of the world off my shoulders.
- candles! Sometimes the down on your knees praying in front of bed is enough and sometimes I need more. I lit candles, set my intentions and did everything in my power, called on every deity in my arsenal and those who love me without judgement or condition and every day I asked for help. Every single day I asked for help to get me through. My sister is my lifeline so thankfully as these miracles were pouring in I wrote to her. So I’ve got this beautiful proof that they can happen! I also burned all the candles that were for special occasions, every single one! I brought them to work and somehow didn’t set off the smoke alarm lol. Especially the ones intended for relaxation.. those i took and burned at work and enjoyed their bliss where i needed it most. My current office doesn’t allow flaming things.. but a candle warmer would do the trick.
- I let go of friends that didn’t make the cut. I asked myself.. what do you want? And i asked the heavens to remove, gently and happily, anybody who didn’t fit my vision. and you know what? They left! in droves, moving, new jobs, new lives, new opportunities. And my truest friends stayed, or moved closer annnnd now i see I need to do this again. I had this falling out with a particularly close friend who had gone from amazing, to toxic. I re read the email (this morning) and i thought to myself.. wow this isn’t bad at all, Why was this offensive to her? and Why did it cause such a caustic response? Honestly she wasn’t in a place to hear anything critical. and here I was saying there was room for improvement and that she was not herself anymore and I wasn’t ok with the negativity. and ohhhh yea.. i know how that feels. but fast forward a few years alter we’re still friends! she did some heavy soul searching made changes to her life and came back around. it didn’t even take very long. But it sure was a rough ride for a few days, totally worth it though. But another reminder that honest is still best and if it can help you both grow.. don’t hesitate. Don’t worry.. taking my own advice on this.
- What do I want? oh the hard question. But it helped. I really stopped at some point and thought about it.. what am i hoping for? Two years ago it was about getting through my trials at work. My goal was to come out of it successfully. I wanted ot be able to say, we grew and improved as a company under my leadership. Understanding that made me way more focused and really made making decisions easy. does that lead to my goal? No? then bye.
- Indulging in the fantasy – I wrote letters to Santa, baked cookies for the fairies, left gifts for the fae friends wherever we went, spirits for the spirits and really just indulged every story, every imagination stirring moment I could.My niece and I had glitter fights, went out to eat and had dessert only dates. My sister and i danced on the beach in the fog and the rain, went out and bought gifts for our future selves… It was stupidly fun. And whether or not i thought anything would come of it I gave with open heart and felt better and lighter because of it. Nurture your inner child and watch the adult blossom.
- the last and the best – write letters. I used to write Christmas cards and poems and all kinds of wonderousness for friends and family and became very quickly disillusioned with life as I grew more enlightened. Sadly.. it still hasn’t made it’s way back to my world.. someday soon, but not yet. Anyway – I wrote letters to me, from people who were on my mind… people who I needed closure from. I burned them in a blaze of glory after reading them out loud. Now i realize I should have made copies, but c’est la vie non? From my twin who disappeared in the most stubborn and pig headed way imaginable i received an apology and an explanation of the anger and hurt in his spirit. I wrote it and yet reading it over the fire made me cry like a prepubescent kid.. just cathartic and oh so messy. I wrote one from the toxic woman at work who sought me out to harass me. Hers was heavy and ultimately sad, grief gone awry. There were lots of letters , and I can’t begin to explain how much it changed my life. I don’t even know how i managed to forget that experience! i am going to be doing thsi again today, and let them sit and them burn them tomorrow when the world is at work. I just.. i need that catharsis again. Thankfully there is no more harassing co workers to worry about, but there are still plenty of beings I would love some closure from. Results were mixed, That crazy co worker did not stop being psychotic, but she stopped seeking me out specifically and interfering my work. My twin did not reappear, but I felt better about it. i was able to let him go and date happily again. Whew! worth it! i got a few much needed apologies too and a lot more communication… It’s crazy how writing an apology to yourself and signing somebody’s name can truly bring it to motion, though never in the way we expect. and i don’t think we fully understand how badly we need these things until they are there in front of us. Heck, I may actually mail these adn then let them come to my house as though from far away and read them through before burning them.
Truthfully, I didn’t get to the bottom of my initial desire for attention, or support. But i did remind myself that I have tools to deal with the holiday blues. So off I go to write letters and burn things.